Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of anorexia, bulimia, and eating disorders.
I’ve been battling with anorexia nervosa and bulimia for a number of years. It can feel extremely exhausting, lonely, debilitating, hopeless and miserable at times. For me, it almost feels like there’s this bully that lives inside my mind. They’re constantly yelling at me and it’s hard to combat. It’s so loud it’s hard to not believe the lies that it tells me, but I have now learnt throughout my journey that the things that it tells me, or what others would say about me, aren’t logical and don’t align with my values and aspirations in life.
I think this has been a huge stepping stone for me; being aware of which voice is mine, and which voice is the eating disorder talking. And separating myself from my eating disorder, and making it a separate part of me, so it’s not my whole identity.
The scariest, but best, thing I have done, was tell someone what’s going on, and be as open as I can to my support team so that they can walk alongside me towards recovery. Even though the ED will try to cover me in shame, and try to stop me from voicing it all, every time I talk about it more, it becomes less lonely. The right people around you, won’t judge, or look at you differently, and just want the best for you!
One of the biggest challenges is the stigma, and lack of understanding that some people have around eating disorders. There’s this belief that anorexia or any other eating disorder has a specific look, but eating disorders look different for every single individual, as it’s a mental illness. I’ve had to be very strong in that when triggering comments have come my way, and practice self-compassion, and compassion for others, as they may have a lack of education. I always try to hold onto what I believe and know, and that my eating disorder is valid and real for me.
For me personally, I’ve found that dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT), has been a beneficial tool for developing a wide range of different skilful behaviours and working alongside a therapist to slowly unpack the underlying problems, core beliefs, and traumas tied up under the eating disorder. I’m still in the midst of my recovery journey, but I’ve come a long way and I believe that one day I will be able to recover from this, even though my brain says otherwise! I believe anyone else who is going through similar struggles can do the same.
My best advice is to start with reaching out to someone you trust, which can be so hard but so incredibly worth it! Opening up at your own pace, I’ve found being as open as I can really allows others to try to help you as much as they can! If you feel you’re not receiving the right support from someone, or they just don’t seem like the right fit to support your specific needs, then try someone else, but keep reaching out. There’s so much hope that we may not see, but there are others who have recovered, have been through similar experiences and come out the other end!
-Emma H
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