Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of anxiety, borderline personality disorder and paranoia.
First, this post isn’t to romanticise, or act like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the greatest thing because it’s absolutely NOT, but there’s so many positive qualities that I wouldn’t give up despite the emotional pain I feel every day. This post also isn’t me saying that I’m not willing to work on some of my symptoms because I absolutely am working on them and believe I DO need to work on them. I’m a very self-aware person who understands that there needs to be a balance and I feel like I’ve reached the point where I found mine (not entirely and with everything, but with managing my positive and negative symptoms).
Second, I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I am okay with that; here’s why.
I am intuitive. I can feel when something is off or wrong, even if I don’t have all the facts about a situation. Some might call this paranoia or jumping to conclusions, but if you’re right more times than not, is it really paranoia? Additionally, being someone who is highly intuitive, allows me to look into other clues and be able to conclude that either affirms the ‘hunch’ or negates it. While I do have a tendency to hyper-fixate on different clues or topics, I see this quality as having more of a positive impact on me than a negative.
I am curious. I always want to know the why behind something, so I can understand why specific reactions happened and because I believe that knowledge is power. There is not one person in the world that knows everything, and even if that person did, they still wouldn’t be able to actually understand. Understanding a theory is different from understanding an experience because you’ve lived it. My curiosity, though, can definitely get the better of me when I start to go down rabbit holes and become obsessed with what I am researching, but I still wouldn’t change this about me.
I am ambitious. Even though I tend to go through hobbies and projects faster than usual or changing my mind about enjoying it, when I do start something new, I am determined and I give it my all. I won’t give up until I’ve perfected something or can say that I know as much as I can about a topic. This goes hand in hand with hyper-fixation but isn’t always indicative of success like ambition and determination usually are. I usually set the bar too high just to see if I can achieve it, but then once I do, I’m on to the next goal.
I am adaptable. Even though I’m not too fond of sudden change, I’m fast at learning and adapting to new environments and situations. My entire life, I’ve been forced to be resilient, and this “forcing” has caused me to develop the ability to adapt in an instant. Additionally, because I am curious and can be paranoid at times, I can adapt to situations faster because I’ve already imagined the circumstance happening, and I’ve already developed a plan for it. Essentially, I’ve already expected and prepared for the unexpected.
I am loyal. People with BPD have a perceived stigma of being promiscuous. While this may be true for some people because of their hyper-sexuality, many can and do stay faithful in committed relationships. In my experience, I’ve been devoted to all my boyfriends aside from one who was cheating on me, but he knew I was cheating on him as well. I’ve never had a problem staying loyal to a significant other until I was mistreated and severely triggered.
Another facet of loyalty is the dedication to those we feel we should be dedicated to because we’re “supposed to.” For example, we are taught that putting family first is right; however, we’re not taught that if a family betrays or mistreats you, you’re allowed to leave the situation. With this logic, I’ve been loyal to many who have done me wrong because I thought I was supposed to trust them. I’m dedicated to a fault, you could say.
I am empathetic. People like to say and think that when someone says they’re an empath, they believe they are all-knowing and some ‘God.’ When I say I’m empathetic, I mean that as long as someone doesn’t lie about something, I’ll find every part of my being able to understand and empathise with them on whatever they tell me. However, once someone lies to me, I lose interest or concern and become apathetic.
I hate my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as much as the next person with BPD, but I wouldn’t be who I am today without it.
Voices of Hope wants you to know that you do not have to do this alone. Click here to 'find help' - it's not weak to speak!