Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of suicidal ideation and suicide.
I first realised I was struggling with my mental health when I was 10. I was confused: why did I want to end my life? How do I make this feeling go away? For the next few years, I turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
It wasn’t until I was 15 that a family friend passed away from suicide that I realised I was not okay and needed help. I knew that if I kept to myself I could be going down the same path. So, I reached out to my parents and they immediately took me to my GP who referred me to outpatient. I think, deep down, part of me wanted to give myself a chance to live my life and be happy. Having seen my family friend lose his battle made me realise I don’t have to suffer alone.
Something that I wish more people knew when they ask, ‘What’s making you feel this way?’ is it’s often a lot of things piled up and not just one specific thing. It can be so hard to speak up because even people you love can still call you a attention seeker when you need them at your most vulnerable self.
I struggle doing day-to-day tasks like showering, brushing my teeth, tidying my room, because they’re such overwhelming tasks in my head and I don’t have enough ‘spoons’ to do it all.
My cat, Harley, has had one of the biggest impacts on my healing journey. He’s my emotional support cat and is always by my side. I love him to bits and he’s the reason why I still wake up every day. An animal’s love is so powerful and he somehow always knows what I need from him. I couldn’t imagine fighting this journey without him.
Someone who has supported me since the start of my battle is my best friend Stella. She moved up away but even then I continued to fight because I didn’t want her to have to suffer because of me. We’ve stayed connected for years and she’s moving back soon. It was the best news ever and just shows there can be good outcomes. Having a best friend like her means everything to me. I couldn’t be more thankful for her to be in my life and to always catch me when I fall.
Recently, I got my NCEA exam results back. I had been trying SO hard to get good results. It had been a really rough year; I was going to the outpatient services every week while still battling with myself. When I found out I got a couple of Merits that boosted my overall year grade to a Merit Endorsed I was so happy! I felt so proud of myself for not giving up when I wanted to. I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d finish high school with the way things were going. But here I am, about to start my last first day at school. I’m so proud that I’m graduating high school and just how far I’ve come!
I’m also currently in the talks with my principal at my high school because I’m trying to start up a school well-being group for the students! I want to make a difference and use my experiences as strength to help others!
My advice for anyone who is going through a tough time is to talk to someone!!! It can be anyone! Talking to your family can be so hard because you don’t wanna let them down. But there’s always another option with someone else you feel comfortable with. This could be a friend, teacher, workmate, or even a helpline. A simple conversation can make the hugest difference and I’ve experienced that. Talking to someone is the first step in healing and helping yourself.
Something I want you all to remember is, “When you're lost in the darkness, look for the light.” This quote is really powerful to me and is always playing in the back of my mind to not give up or give-in to the dark.
-Caitlin
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