Content note: This story discusses abuse, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, mental health inpatient care. Please take care while reading.
My earliest memories involved self-harm and suicidal ideation from a very young age, and being in and out of psych wards and hospitals. I was abused by my father, who then passed away when I was 19. But through all of this, I always knew my purpose here in life was to help others.
For two years, I pushed through nursing school. I was quite stable until I had a relapse and ended up in a psych ward in October 2024. It was meant to be a place where I was kept safe and cared for, yet I felt I was left in an unsafe and vulnerable environment. I experienced further abuse. I ended up being there for nine months and felt completely defeated.
I had a decision to make: do I keep it to myself and let what happened continue to consume me? Or do I speak up and take my power back?
I am a survivor.
Did I want this to happen to anyone else in the most vulnerable moments of their life? Had it happened to others before me? My answer is ‘hell no.’ I felt the system had let me down, and I wanted to step up, speak out and spread awareness. To break a cycle.
An important point for me was realising how exhausted I was living the life I was in. I realised I wanted something different for myself and my life. I think you can have all the help in the world, but part of my own healing has been learning to accept that help and recognise what I need. Remembering to keep going in your darkest moments isn’t easy, but sometimes simply getting through the day takes enormous courage.
At the start of my healing journey, what helped me on days I couldn’t get out of bed and felt completely broken was choosing one thing a day to do. One thing for myself, and one thing for another person. It started to change how I was thinking. It helped me move away from self-sabotaging habits and allowed me to give myself grace. I began accepting help and accepting the fact that I wasn’t okay, while holding onto hope that I would eventually be okay.
I reached out to safe people even when it felt like it was almost impossible to do. I slowed down and listened to my body. I reminded myself I don’t have to sit in silence with my pain; there are people out there to love and support me.
Accepting help and listening to the support system around you, when it feels safe to do so, can make a world of difference. Reaching out to a close friend and asking them to join you during appointments, like with a GP, can be helpful. When we are not doing well, we don’t always have the capacity to take in information. Making the first step to reaching out for help can be tough. You don’t have to sit alone with your pain or struggle in silence.
I am so thankful for the friendships and community around me. They have made all the difference. They are recovery-focused and held hope for me when I felt at my lowest and had lost hope. I am proud that I have been able to find a few paths in life where I have tools and a different way of thinking when it comes to trauma and addiction.
Life isn’t perfect; it never will be. It’s about progress, not perfection. I’m proud to be present in my life and the lives of others. I’m proud of younger me and of being able to show her that you can make it through so much and still build a life worth living. It’s a hard journey, but it is so worth it. I am so thankful to be alive and to be where I am today.
To you, the reader: what happened to me doesn’t define me, and what has happened to you doesn’t have to define you either. Your past doesn’t have to choose how the rest of your life turns out.
There have been days I never thought I would make it through, and yet I am still here. You can always change, grow, love and heal. There is never a time that is too late to do that.
To the younger me, I’m still chasing the dreams we once had.
It’s not weak to speak.
I know how tempting it can be to stay silent or try to escape from the pain you are carrying. But you and your life are worth so much more than the hurt you are feeling. Reaching out and starting your healing journey can be incredibly hard, but you don’t have to do it alone.
-Simone
Voices of Hope wants you to know that you do not have to do this alone. Click here to 'find help' - it's not weak to speak!