Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of anorexia, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, and suicide.
“A problem shared is a problem halved.” Something I wished I had taken on board years ago. I was only 15. And if you’d told me then that I would be telling my story now, I probably would’ve slapped you. I won’t lie, this is incredibly terrifying. But thinking that one singular person could read this and realise they’re so much stronger than they think makes me a little less scared.
Something to know about me, for years I placed my whole worth on grades and performance. Thankfully, never due to parental pressure, it was all on myself and my attempts to please everyone else. I would constantly do all I could and more to help others achieve, until it eventually led to my own downfall, In 2021 (the year of the never-ending lockdowns - yay), I was supposed to have double hip surgery after years of chronic pain, which got postponed various times. Being in constant pain, being socially isolated and not being able to swim (my sporting outlet), led to my mental health deteriorating rapidly. Don’t get me wrong, I had been struggling mentally for a while, but surgery cancellations were the straw that broke the camel’s back.
In August 2021, I made an attempt on my life and was so so angry that it didn’t work. I was angry at my friend who called my parents and forced them to check on me. I was angry at another friend who forced his mum to drive to my house at 11:30pm (because he couldn’t drive) to check on me. But I then stapled the words of a counsellor I had to the forefront of my brain (and eventually stuck them all over my walls): “If you have people to be angry at, you have people to fight for.” Initially, this made me more annoyed because why should I have to stay for someone else? But slowly, I began to realise that because I couldn’t find anything worth fighting for in myself, fighting for other people was a pretty good next option until I did want to fight for myself. The extreme people-pleaser in me pretty much used that as motivation until I dug her out (because it gets to a point where people-pleasing can actually harm you too!), and began fighting for myself. After all, I didn’t want to have to put my dad through finding me again. And it was so worth it – I ended up having the surgery in October 2021 and I was FINALLY (physically) pain-free! But something then wasn’t quite right again.
Going from being so physically active (I was a competitive swimmer) to being stuck in a wheelchair not able to weight bear for six weeks sucked. And also meant (in my mind) I couldn’t do much of anything or I’d never get back to where I was. In hindsight, this then represented my downward spiral. Over the next two months, I slowly began to eat less and less, and I thought it was great! I’d naturally lost a lot of muscle mass in my legs (due to not using them), but I liked this new smaller version of me.
I may have been physically smaller, but mentally, I was non-existent. I couldn’t think, couldn’t engage in conversations at school, couldn’t socialise, and couldn’t do my schoolwork. Now, for a freshly 16-year-old who wanted to be a doctor and would cry if she didn’t get an excellence, not doing schoolwork was my worst nightmare, especially as I was in year 12. After this went on for a while (I had managed to convince everyone around me I just had stomach issues from hip surgery), I ended up with an NJ tube. I HATED that thing; to the point where they had to sedate me during the day or I probably would’ve ripped it out. I hated it so much because I knew this meant I was going to have to gain weight, and the fact I was in Middlemore. At the time, I was adamant I didn’t have one, but I now realise I had an eating disorder.
Fast forward to December 2022, I could think again, was at a healthier weight and was sorting uni stuff! However, mentally, I’d now entered a binge-restrict cycle, and began exercising for at least six hours a day. Still, no one knew, and to this day I regret not speaking up sooner.
Finally, in August of 2023 I realised I couldn’t fix myself anymore after reading a quote I still refer to today: “Exercise is a celebration of what the body can do, not a punishment of the past.” I knew I needed help. I’m forever grateful for my past self who took herself to her GP and told them everything. I’ve been being treated for anorexia for the past 18 months and am still uncovering new skills to help me gain control of my life every day. Yes, some days still feel impossible mentally, but learning that it’s okay and it’s good to share my struggles, and I’m learning to become more proud of myself because I’ve achieved so much more than I thought I ever could have. I’m at uni, trying to get into med school next year and am developing some freedom to enjoy food once again.
You’re so much stronger than you think, and I beg you to please keep fighting. Your worth is not rated numerically. And, as my dad says (one of my number one supporters): "The sun will always come out again, even if it hides behind clouds sometimes."
-Willow
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