Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of suicide.
Living with a mental health disability is a reality for many, but talking about it openly remains a challenge. I am committed to advocating for hidden disabilities and the importance of finding purpose in recovery.
For me, the past four years have been long, tough, and draining. During most of that time, I was in psychiatric wards after attempts on my life, with one that ended with me being admitted to the ICU and put on life support. On my last discharge from hospital I was the worst I have ever been mentally and physically.
I never left the house, refused to engage with my mental health team, slept all day every day and felt utterly hopeless. I didn’t have a reason to laugh or to smile, I felt like I was living in a body that wasn’t mine. Everyone, from doctors to nurses to family members, kept asking me what I needed to help me and to stay safe but I could never answer them as I wholeheartedly believed that I was a lost cause, that nothing could fix me and I was broken. I thought I didn’t have a future.
That’s when my assistance dog in training (ADIT) came into my life. He was selected for owner training by the head trainer of a great assistance dog organisation. He is my lifesaver. I needed that purpose I was so desperately looking for, the reason I needed to live and want to have a future. He was the turning point I so desperately needed.
Before him I would never have dreamed of being able to leave the house and go into a busy store or do something as simple as going on a walk alone without triggering an episode but now I am confident and feel safe in public. I have a reason to get out of bed. I laugh and smile at his crazy antics. I engage with my mental health team. I have found freedom again and have gained the hope for my future that the girl who was sitting in the ICU bed never thought she would have again.
He has shown me the beauty in life and shined a light through the darkness that surrounded my heart and soul to brighten it from the inside out. He has taught me that my disability doesn't define me and that there is life beyond the ward, and this is coming from someone who was severely institutionalised.
Since he came into my life, I have finally felt like a whole person again. I feel I am finally getting back to my old self. Full of life and happiness. That girl who thought that she would never make it and was too far gone is now thriving. I can proudly say it’s been nearly a year since my last attempt and admission to a psychiatric ward, a milestone I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen. Together as an assistance dog team we have broken the cycle of attempt, admission, discharge and then another attempt or episode that landed me back in the psychiatric ward.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I am living proof that you can win the battle with the right tools and I can confidently say that without my ADIT I would not be sitting here to write this blog post.
Assistance dogs are amazing and can really help to turn your life around, with purpose there is hope for change. If you’ve never considered getting an assistance dog for your disability, I assure you it will be one of the best decisions you'll ever make. I hope sharing my experience with recovery helps you with your decision-making.
-Meaghan
Voices of Hope wants you to know that you do not have to do this alone. Click here to 'find help' - it's not weak to speak!