Trigger warning: this discusses themes of death and grief.
There has been no greater joy in my life than being an aunt. I am the youngest of my parents’ four children. As of this writing, we are ages 55, 54, 41, and 39. That large age gap means that my oldest siblings were both married with children before I even got out of elementary school. My first niece was born when I was just 6 years old. She is the only child of my oldest brother. My sister has two daughters, who were born when I was 9 and 11 years old. Then, many years later, my brother, who is closer to my age, now has two young daughters.
As a child myself, watching my older nieces grow up was equal parts fascinating, entertaining, and (though I didn’t know it at the time) character-building. I learned at a very young age how to care for a child, and those skills have served me well in many areas of life as I grew older. I was so happy when I was finally old enough to drive, so that I could go see my girls without having to depend on someone else to take me to them. By no means was I perfect, and I do have things I wish I had done differently, but based on the relationship I share with my girls today, I think they always knew (and still know) that they are the stars in my sky. Going to soccer games, piano recitals, out to get some fast food, hanging out at the house, or whatever else, I treasured every moment of being with my girls. Admittedly, elements of them being babies were not as fun for me, like changing diapers, getting up in the middle of the night to settle them back to sleep, etc., but even those things are things I would never take back. Then, as my life went on and I got older, my friends started having children. Apart from their own parents, I was the go-to person for childcare when my friends needed it, because I already knew how to take care of a child. Through this, I was bestowed a new title: honorary aunt.
At the time of this writing, I have five nieces, three great-nephews (yes, my oldest three girls each have a son… I feel so old), 43 friend-kids for whom I am an honorary aunt, and a few others I’ve picked up along the way to be an honorary aunt to, as well. Each one has a special place in my heart. I always treasure time spent with them, and I try to check in as often as possible. It’s not as easy to make it to sporting events, recitals, and other activities now that everyone is so spread out geographically, but it is always so awesome when I get to see any of my littles doing things they enjoy.
Yes, there has been no greater joy in my life than being an aunt. And now, there is no greater sorrow than for one of my littles to leave this world far too soon.
It’s getting close to two years since my oldest niece unexpectedly passed away. Only a few weeks before her 32nd birthday, we received the heartbreaking news. My world shattered. We barely had time to process this when, just a few short months later, my father also unexpectedly passed away.
Grief looks different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so please remember not to compare yourself to others. I grieve for my niece and my father in different ways. My life will never be the same, and that can be scary. All the thoughts swirl in my head. Pictures flash in my mind of various events with the two of them. It can be a lot.
In my personal journey with grieving my niece and father, I have found the most comfort in trying to honour their memories with my day-to-day life. It took me a long time to realise just how much I act like my father, but considering I have always wanted to be like him, I am glad that I am seeing him reflected in my actions. My father cared deeply for everyone, took special care to have good manners and be respectful, went out of his way to help people, and worked hard to never show favouritism. These things that I always saw on display with him became things I picked up and started doing myself, even from a very young age, without really thinking about it. I am far from perfect with it, but any time I notice myself doing something like my dad did, it’s like I’m carrying on something special that people loved about him, which makes him feel closer to me. My oldest niece and I shared a lot of common interests, so naturally, I think of her when those interests come up; however, the best way I can think of to honour her is to work towards being the best aunt I can be.
She is the one who made me an aunt. She started it all, so to the best of my ability, I want to be a good aunt to those born into my aunthood, and to those who choose to be a part of it.
Again, I am far from perfect, but perfection is not, and should never be, the goal. Life is a journey, with lots of opportunities to learn and grow. As I continue to navigate this journey of life without the physical presence of my oldest niece and father, I choose to honour them by continuing to learn and grow from the foundation they laid for me. I will always love them, and I will always miss them. I also have hope of seeing them again someday (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18). Until then, I will sometimes cry tears of grief, sometimes cry tears of happiness at fond memories, sometimes be upset that they aren’t with me, and/or any other range of things people do when grieving.
Telling stories about them is something else that is helpful for me. Are you struggling with grief? What is something you can do to honour their memory? I invite you to tell me a special story about your loved one(s) so that I, too, can take part in honouring the memories and walk alongside you in your journey. You are not alone. Auntie is right here giving you the biggest hug the internet has ever experienced, and keeping a hand outstretched to you to hold whenever you need it. There are also lots of resources available to assist in your journey from professionals, so please also seek those out when needed.
All my love… from your honorary aunt,
-Mary Beth
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