Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of eating disorders and suicidality.
September is a hard month for me, and I know it is for many other people too. It’s a period where there’s much pressure on those studying, there’s more discussion around suicide than any other time of year, and we’ve had months of little sunshine and cold weather. For me, it’s also a time of trauma anniversaries. Whether I’m aware of it or not, my body goes into survival mode. This time two years ago, my eating disorder had taken over my life and one year ago I was actively suicidal. However, this year is different.
I’ve made so many strides forward, achieving things that past me dreamed of but didn’t believe were possible. I want you to take this as a sign to keep going. Last year, it was only a matter of months for things to change for me. I had to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, for my present to be. What is one thing you want to happen or achieve? Write at least five steps for you to reach it. They can be as small as you need. Any step forward is worth taking. Future you will be so grateful you took that step. I also wrote the reasoning for each step, so my illness couldn’t argue with it.
These were the steps I wrote down when I decided to fight my eating disorder:
- Eat three meals a day
- Spend time with Jesus daily
- Do one hobby every day
- Get a volunteer job
- Utilise coping strategies when voices get loud
- Name one thing I like about myself every day
Two years on, I’ve achieved most of these. The thing is recovery doesn’t have a set timeframe. It may take one person a year to heal, while it might take someone else ten years. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you, all that matters is that you’re putting in the work. Little you and future you are rooting for you at each step.
My life isn’t perfect now. I still have my bad days, but they are easier. I let people in to help me. I know why I am fighting. I do the ‘small’ things that help, like showering and being outside. There will be bad days, but the good will far outweigh them. I might not know you, but I am so proud of you. Remember, as Jazz Thornton says, as long as you’re still breathing, there is still hope for change.
-Ellen
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