My journey with mental health first started when I was ten years old. What inspired me to seek support was an American Girl book about growing up for preteen girls. They had a section about depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm, and eating disorders.
I deal with hallucinations, depression, mania, impulsivity, lack of drive, and irritability. With functional neurological disorder (FND), I deal with seizures, mobility issues, tremors, tics, and lack of sleep/fatigue. FND is caused by trauma, but it affects me during any aspect of life.
Throughout my journey, the biggest impacts have been horses, writing, music, my twin brother, and my friend, Tiffany. I also personally LOVE journaling and singing. Journaling has helped me channel all my trauma and hurt and confusion into understandable set-ups so I can heal from it. It’s helped me understand why I act, think, and feel the way I do. Singing helps release my emotions. I usually cry when I sing. It helps me feel calm and free.
What I wished people understood, specifically about my schizoaffective disorder, is that we’re not all violent. Most of us are kind, gentle, helpful people with morals. I’ve taken care of animals and special needs kids all my life, so I would never hurt or kill someone.
Additionally, I’d like people to know that people with neurological and developmental disabilities get mental illness too. We’re not immune. But, we can overcome and work through it just like non disabled people. Even though our disabilities may be permanent, like one of mine is, doesn’t mean we’re having a horrible life.
Never give up. Find tools to help you. People around you aren’t always going to understand or support you, but I promise there are people who will. Art therapy really helps. You don’t have to be perfect; all of mine is messy or abstract. It really helps bring out the racing thoughts and emotions.
I’ve recently achieved 7 weeks, 1 day clean from self-harm and 6 years since my suicide attempt. I moved out of my parents’ house. What I look forward to is hopefully being in remission from my FND, but even if I’m not, learning how to keep it under control. I’m also looking forward to all my therapies, signing up for Disability Support, getting a service dog, and finding accommodated housing.
Something positive that has come from my challenges is my ability to advocate for mental health and trauma on social media, with my peers, and at school before graduation. I love helping people feel less alone, see different perspectives, and find hope. My all-time favorite reminder is the acronym “HOPE: Hold On, Pain Ends.” My second is “One day at a time.” Another one is, “Life is not about waiting for the storm to come; it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” That one I learned in fourth grade and never forgot.
-Natalie