A common joke for me is that I don’t deserve my Bachelor of Music Education degree. I say that because I don’t play any instruments, and don’t even sing all that well. While that may be true, I did successfully complete the requirements for graduation, so regardless of my talent (or lack thereof), I suppose I do deserve the paper hanging on my wall.
Over the last few weeks, I am finding myself feeling a particularly strong nostalgic pull to music. College was the best time of my life for many reasons, and I often reminisce about those years, but this is different. I miss discussions of vocal techniques. I miss finding a connection from music theory class to a song being performed for choir. I miss attending shows, concerts, recitals, etc. Something I did for every concert, recital, etc. that I ever attended (and still do to this day), is take a plain sheet of printer paper and write, “I ❤️ [performer’s name]” on it, and hold it up as I applaud. I miss the music itself.
The film adaptation of the Broadway sensation ‘Wicked’ has been the main topic of conversation among me and my close friend group since its release in November. I have several layers of connection to the story; particularly to the character of Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of the West). I performed two songs from ‘Wicked’ while I was in college, even painting myself green and buying a black wig for one performance. Much like Elphaba, I came to life in college. I didn’t really have friends prior to college, and I was very different from the people I went to college with. However, also like Elphaba, I soon learned what true friendship feels like.
Accepting the love of these new friends didn’t happen overnight. While I loved and cared for all of them immediately, my heart and mind had been trained to build walls. It took some time for me to realise that these people weren’t ‘just being nice’ to me, but that they truly did care for me, and were happy to have me in their lives. But more importantly than my new friends who taught me what love and friendship look and feel like, they also taught me what loving myself looks and feels like. Over time, as I learned and accepted my own intrinsic value, the walls around my heart came down, and have never needed to be rebuilt. Sure, there have been people who have come and gone who caused some pain for me, but when there is a secure foundation in loving yourself, that pain doesn’t usually last as long.
I believe the greatest experience for me was the night of my senior recital. I was the only Music Education major in my graduating class, so my recital was only me performing. Recitals were never held on Fridays, but I had to have mine be on a Friday, or else my parents would not be able to attend. The faculty were trying to be kind, saying that attendance is poor on Fridays, and they did not want me to be disappointed. However, my argument about my parents attending won out, and they reluctantly agreed to allow my performance to be on a Friday. Three other events were happening at the same time as my recital, so it wasn’t looking good for me. It didn’t matter, though; my parents were there, and that’s all I cared about. It is appropriate concert etiquette to applaud as the performer walks onto the stage, but when the curtain moved, and I walked onto the stage, the most thunderous eruption of sound that I have ever experienced hit me so hard that I nearly stumbled backwards, about 20 ‘I ❤️ Mary Beth’ signs were being held up across the clapping, stomping, and screaming audience, and one whole row of people had printed off one letter at a time to hold up and spell it out across the width of the auditorium! There were literally people standing in the back of the auditorium because there were no more seats available. No one is going to come to a Friday recital, eh? Haha!
I gave the worst performance of my life, but that isn’t what I think about when I recall that night. From a spiritual perspective, God says that if we delight in Him, He will give us the desire of our heart (Psalm 37:4), and the Bible also says that He can do above and beyond what we can ask or even think (Ephesians 3:20). My heart’s desire was to have friends, and my recital was a clear and tangible showcase of receiving that, more than I could have ever asked or even imagined!
Life has a way of getting in the way of things that bring us joy. At this stage of my life, I am so far removed from music, that it’s difficult to have a meaningful discussion. However, I am challenging myself to find that joy again, 18 years after my graduation. Explore, re-learn, and learn new things. Is there some joy in your life that has taken a backseat over time that you would like to find again? Have you built walls around your heart instead of a foundation of self-love? I encourage you to make the effort to see yourself as the wonderful, unique, perfect human that you are, even if you don’t believe it for yourself at the moment. You can believe with all your heart that grass is orange, but that doesn’t make it true. Truth is truth: grass is green, and you are incredible! Be intentional with loving yourself and finding joy; it is always worth the effort.
Much love,
-Mary Beth
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