Paper Battlefield

Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of depression, eating disorders, and suicidal ideation. 

I always had a subconscious fierce belief that I was my mental illness. That my depression, eating disorder, and suicidal thoughts made up who I was - defined ‘Leisha.’ My feelings of darkness were my inescapable reality that coiled through my personality and my very being.

As I sit here today decades on, the sun shining so effortlessly, I am able to finally feel its beauty. Is the darkness still there? Yes, but so is the light.

It wasn't until one day that I took pen to paper and decided to fight my beliefs on a paper battlefield. I began to understand that I am both the dark and the light - both parts of me are equally beautiful. Drawing a sharp line down the middle of the page, to the left was my dark, and to the right, my light, I let the pen scribe every thought. On the right, I was to find at least one thing that I liked about myself, no matter how small I had to dig to find it and make it a reality on paper. I remember my first page was, needless to say, heavily leaning toward the dark - with only one thing on the right ... "I am proud I fought today by writing this." I took the left side tore it up and threw it in the bin where it belonged, I didn't read it or pay it any attention because those words didn't deserve it. I left my one or two sentences of hope clear for me to see.

For the next few weeks, my paper still filled easily on the left side with sometimes only my, "I am proud I fought today by writing this." However, that was all it took to remind myself that there was fight left in me and for that, I gained a sense of pride. As time went on my paper battlefield became more evenly matched and one day the light ‘right’ side took the lead. I realised in this moment that I was more than the dark beliefs in my head that had told me I was worthless - I was brave, hopeful, funny, and a fighter.

I started doing this at 16 years old in the Child and Family Unit and still to this day, at 42, I continue to take to the paper whenever I start to feel the darkness try to tell me who I am.

-Leisha