When did you first realise you were struggling with your mental health, and what inspired you to seek support?
I struggled with anxiety throughout my childhood, but when I was 13 was when I first started to acknowledge patterns of self loathing becoming a problem, despite being far too scared to seek support. The lack of support allowed the problem to heavily evolve into a crisis in which I struggled quite heavily with self-harm for a period of time and suicidal ideation for years. I ended up falling into depression for a few years that entirely consumed my life, although not many people in my life were aware as I masked it quite highly. Eventually I ended up finding some reprieve from the deepest parts of the crisis and the self harm and suicidal ideation began to go away as I was almost 17. It was at this point that I felt able to finally brave up to reaching out for solid support. I am now 18 and have been in therapy for over a year now and started on antidepressants about a month ago. I have still struggled a lot since I reached out for support and I still have a lot of progress to make, however having a support system has allowed things to become much more manageable and hopeful, and the medication is helping a LOT so far! I am currently over 2 years clean of self harm and haven't experienced any significant suicidal ideation in over a year, which has been incredibly freeing.
Who or what has had the biggest impact on your journey (e.g., a person, hobby, or interest)?
Music! I am a massive massive music person, I study music at uni and I am a super fan of so many artists. Artists like Searows, Julien Baker, Dodie, Gracie Abrams, Phoebe Bridgers, Tiny Habits, Clairo, Leith Ross, and so so so many more have created songs that allow me to feel heard and understood in my experiences, although since starting medication I listen to sad music a lot less, I also have so many hopeful playlists that allow me soundtrack an emotional journey in a way that provides me with a sense of autonomy. It sounds silly but its such a helpful tool for me and always has been!
What’s something positive that has come from your journey, something you’re proud of or grateful for?
I think despite how much of a struggle things have been it has turned me into a very empathetic person, I feel such a deep love and care for those around me in a way I don't think would have been quite as intense otherwise. In a way I also think that experience such lows for such a long period of time allows me to feel joy so so deeply and I am so much more grateful for all the happiness I'm getting to experience in recovery as it feels like the biggest privilege to be happy!
What do you wish more people understood about mental health or your specific experience?
How well people can learn to mask what they're going through! There are still people in my life that don't believe or understand how depressed I was for such a long time because I've always been quite significantly high functioning, throughout most of the past year I worked or did uni pretty much 7 days a week, I do lots of really fun things and am in a healthy loving relationship, I love wearing fun outfits and doing my hair and makeup, and had lots of wins publicly. However throughout this time I was struggling quite heavily still with depression! Apart from some very close people to me in my life not many people know much at all about how hard things have been for so long because I have a bubbly energetic happy personality on the surface but when I'm alone things are very different. You can never truly know someones life and lots of people around you are probably dealing with things you have no idea about.
What has been the most helpful in your healing journey (e.g., tools, resources, or comforts)?
My girlfriend and best friend are the two most important people to me in the whole world and are probably the reason I am still here today! Having those two people that I am entirely unafraid to be honest and vulnerable with and who know my whole story and I know are in my corner and looking out for me has been the most unimaginably helpful thing and I owe them a significant thanks in my recovery journey. I couldn't recommend more than finding even just one person you feel comfortable confiding in who is happy to support you, I feel so much less alone and it holds me accountable!
What advice would you give to someone going through a similar situation?
I know that it truly feels like nothing will change or get better when things have been so bad for so long, but they truly can. I know you hear that advice a lot and it feels so wrong or like you exist in a unique situation where things will never actually improve but there are so many supports out there for you and there is so much time. You have so much time and so much opportunity awaiting you. And I can wholeheartedly say that sticking out the darkest times was absolutely worth it, I am so so happy to be alive and I am getting to experience so much more joy on the other side. Please hold on, you will find things that will make it worth it.
What is something you’ve achieved or are looking forward to because of your decision to pursue recovery?
I've achieved the ability to look forward to the future! I am so proud to be able to say that I am excited for what the future will hold and that I really want to be alive to see what it will look like. I am excited to grow old with my partner and my friends, to complete my degree and enter the world as an adult, to move out and build a home, to continue to find myself and go on so many more journeys! Life feels vibrant, which is so exciting.
What’s your favourite quote or reminder to hold onto during tough times?
"I don't wanna die anymore. There are hands to be held, and drinks to be spilled, and I can and I will."- Searows, I Can and I Will
- Lucy
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