As a child, Lucy struggled with anxiety, "But when I was 13, that was when I first started to acknowledge patterns of self loathing had started to become a problem. I was far too scared to seek support. The lack of support allowed the problem to quickly evolve into a crisis in which I struggled with self-harm and suicidal ideation for years. I ended up falling into depression for a few years that entirely consumed my life, although not many people in my life were aware as I masked it."
Before turning 17, Lucy started to experience moments of hope. "It was at this point that I felt able to finally brave up to reaching out for solid support. I am now 18 and have been in therapy for over a year now and started on antidepressants some months ago." It has taken a lot of work and bravery, and some days are still difficult, but Lucy is fighting and continuing to hold on with the help of those around her. "Having a support system has allowed things to become much more manageable and hopeful, and the medication is helping a LOT so far! I am currently over 2 years clean of self harm and haven't experienced any significant suicidal ideation in over a year, which has been incredibly freeing.
Something that has helped Lucy through some of her toughest times has been music. "I am a massive massive music person, I study music at uni and I am a super fan of so many artists: Searows, Julien Baker, Dodie, Gracie Abrams, Phoebe Bridgers, Tiny Habits, Clairo, Leith Ross, and so so so many more. They have created songs that allow me to feel heard and understood in my experiences. Since starting medication I listen to sad music a lot less, I also have so many hopeful playlists that allow me soundtrack an emotional journey in a way that provides me with a sense of autonomy." One of Lucy's favourite lyrics that she remembers during difficult times is, "I don't wanna die anymore. There are hands to be held, and drinks to be spilled, and I can and I will." by Searows, 'I Can and I Will.'
While Lucy's journey has held many dark moments and challenges, there have also been moments of good. "I think, despite how much of a struggle things have been, it has turned me into a very empathetic person. I feel such a deep love and care for those around me in a way I don't think would have been quite as intense otherwise. Experiencing such lows for such a long period of time allows me to feel joy so deeply, and I am so much more grateful for all the happiness I'm getting to experience in recovery. It feels like the biggest privilege to be happy!
One of the biggest things Lucy wishes more people would know about mental health is, "How well people can learn to mask what they're going through!" For some, it's hard to understand what people are going through if they don't know. Outwardly, Lucy was attending university or her workplace every day, participated in many events and activities, was in a happy and healthy relationship, and always externally showed herself to be a fun and happy person. "However throughout this time, I was struggling quite heavily still with depression! There are still people in my life that don't believe or understand how depressed I was for such a long time. Apart from some very close people in my life, not many people know much at all about how hard things have been for so long because I have a bubbly energetic happy personality, but when I'm alone, things are very different. You can never truly know someone's life. Lots of people around you are probably dealing with things you have no idea about."
A big part of Lucy's recovery journey has been her support system. "My girlfriend and best friend are the two most important people in the whole world to me and are probably the reason I am still here today! Having those two people that I am entirely unafraid to be honest and vulnerable with, who know my whole story, and I know are in my corner and looking out for me has been the most helpful thing. I owe them a significant thanks in my recovery journey. I couldn't recommend more than finding even just one person you feel comfortable confiding in who is happy to support you. I feel so much less alone, and it holds me accountable."
Since choosing recovery, Lucy is grateful that she now has the freedom to look forward to what her future holds. "I am so proud to be able to say that I am excited for what the future will hold. I really want to be alive to see what it will look like. I am excited to grow up with my partner and my friends, to complete my degree and enter the world as an adult, to move out and build a home, to continue to find myself and go on so many more journeys! Life feels vibrant, which is so exciting."
For anyone going through a tough time right now, Lucy has a message for you. "I know that it truly feels like nothing will change or get better when things have been so bad for so long, but they truly can. I know you hear that advice a lot and it feels so wrong or like you exist in a unique situation where things will never actually improve, but there are so many supports out there for you and there is so much time. You have so much time and so many opportunities awaiting you. I can wholeheartedly say that sticking out the darkest times was absolutely worth it. I am so so happy to be alive and I am getting to experience so much more joy on the other side. Please hold on, you will find things that will make it worth it.
-Lucy
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