*Thank you to Donna of Kia Maia for allowing us to share this piece. You can see more of her content here and her website here.*
A spider, the embodiment of intergenerational trauma, spins an intricate web, waiting to trap me, the unsuspecting fly. Alright, maybe I’m being a tad dramatic, but when I consider the trauma handed down through generations via DNA, environmental factors, emotions, and physiological quirks, that’s the image that springs to mind. Sometimes, reflecting on my life’s journey feels like trying to peel spider webs off my fingers - frustrating and sticky. However, in recent years, I’ve educated myself on intergenerational trauma, and now I firmly declare, “Not today, spider!”
For those unfamiliar with the concept, like I once was, intergenerational trauma is essentially behaviours and emotional responses passed down from one generation to the next, stemming from unresolved trauma. So, when a parent yells at their kids because their parents did the same, that’s the generational cycle in action. These trauma responses keep getting handed down until someone stands up and says, ‘Enough!’
So, my spider? It’s getting the middle finger. I’m determined to halt this cycle, shift it, and build a legacy that feels good to me - one I’m excited to pass on to my kids. My journey began, as most do, back in my early childhood within the family I grew up in. And let me clarify, this doesn’t mean my family is bad, just bad things happened. There were plenty of good experiences, too.
Here’s a simple exercise to illustrate my point: imagine a typical scenario where you’re triggered, like your child having a bath and splashing water everywhere like they’re at the waterpark. First, check the story in your head: “I’ve been working all day, trying to get dinner ready, they don’t care, and now I have more work to do because they couldn’t just bathe nicely and get out.” Next, check how you feel - tense, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Can’t they see you’re too busy for this extra cleaning?
Now comes the fun part - changing the narrative. The trauma spider is eagerly waiting for you to yell and say something you might regret, causing unnecessary upset. But this time, you’re rewriting the script. First, consider your own needs: are you tired or hungry? Have you neglected your self-care? Maybe the bath time routine or schedule needs a tweak. Instead of defaulting to the usual yelling, why not switch it up with a cartoonish or whisper voice, turning the moment into a playful story of an octopus invasion or a pirate adventure in the bathtub? By doing this, you’re creating a new narrative, building a legacy that’s fun and positive, and leaving the spider starving.
In essence, this journey is about recognising the webs of trauma and choosing to weave something new. It’s about breaking the cycle with a blend of self-awareness, creativity, and a dash of humour. And while the spider might be lurking, waiting to trap you in old patterns, you’ve got the tools to outsmart it. So, let’s raise a middle finger to those sticky webs of the past and spin our own tales - ones filled with laughter, love, and legacy.
-Donna
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