For as long as I can remember, I have been an incredibly anxious person. As a child I was told I lacked resilience and experienced ‘homesickness’ and from a young age felt so incapable, or overly emotional compared to my peers. This saw me turn to internalising my emotions so as not to appear “weak”. For years I experienced physical side effects that would wake me up with shortness of breath and aches all over my body. I loved to dance, I loved school, but very quickly, the emotional and physical symptoms I was experiencing confused me, and caused me to withdraw significantly. I’ve grown up in a wonderful family, with lots of siblings, a wealth of opportunities, and the constant support of my parents. But as my anxiety began to take over my everyday life, I stubbornly struggled to accept help and to open up to both professionals and peers in fear of judgement and losing what small shred of control I felt I had left. 

At seventeen I started taking medication, which in itself took a long journey of self-acceptance, after spending many years determined that nothing was truly going to help. It took me years to reach a point where it felt like medication was in my control, and a beneficial regulator, rather than a ‘band aid’ numbing solution that was being forced on me. Here and ongoing, I have learned in depth, that there is no ‘quick fix’ solution for those struggling with mental health. Each individual is different, and after years of being told to “get help” or “see someone”, I wish it could be known that there is no ‘failure’ in struggling despite access to helpful resources, and family support.

Into my early adult years I struggled with organisation, procrastination and focus, which spilled beyond academics into my personal life and relationships. I struggled to organise myself in forms of communication with others, and experienced severe frustration with my seeming inability to stay on top of so many avenues of my life. In conjunction, I began to experience episodes of damaging coping mechanisms which were usually associated with Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviours (BFRB). Worsening in severity, with professionals and those around me putting it down to ‘anxiety’, I altered my medication and began to experience such increased levels of shame and self-hatred in the lack of control I had, and the inability to provide myself or others with an explanation. In time, I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD - presenting in the form of BFRB’s. At 21, the combination of these factors is still a journey I am struggling and working to understand, with so many levels of misunderstanding and stigma surrounding these diagnoses. It took my own experience of OCD to understand the paralysing lack of control, shame, and helplessness over the ‘clean room’ stereotype, and the brain fog and anxiety attacks associated with ADHD as a disorder that extends far beyond the stigma of ‘disobedient young boys’.

As someone who internally processed much of these experiences, I have turned to my friends and family as an anchor of strength. I have struggled to be open and honest with those around me, in fear of both judgement, and pity. I have found that deep senses of understanding, warmth, and patience in friendships has been so mutually rewarding, and this is aided by the growing awareness, and conversations that weave mental health into Society.

I wish I could help my younger self to understand the validity in her experience, and that vulnerability isn’t weakness. She is my reason to fight for myself and others like her every day, and it is because of her that when I experience the beautiful moments and people around me that I worry I’d never experience – I know I am making her so proud.

Amelia